half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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