he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
God, I missed his penis.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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