I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Semen is not good for contacts.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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