I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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