why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
