After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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