I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize