i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
