You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
