Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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