The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
