I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
