Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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