I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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