I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Congratulations! We have a period
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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