she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
