I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
