I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
