Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
