I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
