Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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