Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
