there's paper in my vomit.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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