Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
