i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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