I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
