So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
