Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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