i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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