You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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