Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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