I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
