we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
