After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
