I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My pussy is not your playground.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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