Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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