I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Your cock deserves a montage
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
