I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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