Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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