I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
