I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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