Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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