Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
