its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
