Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
