did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
