I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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