I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
