walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
