Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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